Pretty much everything Titus Andromedon says on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is worthy of being embroidered on a pillow. So with the series' final episodes arriving Jan. 25, it's only right to honor his character by reliving some of the best Titus lines from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. These 23 quotes don't cover every hilarious line he's ever said (there are just too many!), but they'll be enough to make you want to re-watch.
Titus may have been given the name of Ronald Wilkerson at birth, but he was destined to become the fabulous, floundering Titus Andromedon we've come to know him as. And since Kimmy began rooming with him in his basement apartment, his life has drastically (not dramatically — 'cause he already had that covered) improved. Yet, even when he's not living his best life (which is pretty much always), he knows how to deliver a line with the perfect combination of sass and panache.
While Titus has grown a lot as a person and friend throughout the course of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, he's also proved himself to be a comedy gold mine. And really, that will be his legacy on the show. So before you say farewell to one of the most memorable characters to ever grace your TV screen, here are just some of the best Titus quotes.
1
"I Envy You. I've Never Been Able To Meet Me"
In the very first episode, Titus makes it clear where his loyalties lie — with himself!
2
"I'm Pretty But Tough, Like A Diamond Or Beef Jerky In A Ball Gown"
Don't worry about Titus, Kimmy. He's pretty and tough.
3
"But I Already Did Something Today!"
Productivity is not one of Titus' strong suits.
4
"Black, Gay, And Old? Oh, I'm Not Even Gonna Know Which Box To Check On The Hate Crime Form"
Not only is this depressingly hilarious, but it's the first time that Titus and Mikey interacted.
5
"It's Called 'Peeno Noir' — An Ode To Black Penis"
As Titus tells Lillian, "Lyrics are the least important part of any song."
6
"I've Decided To Live As A Werewolf. It's So Much Easier Than Being An African-American Male"
Titus comes to a sad realization after he spends the day in his Frankenwolf costume from Professor Dracula's Spooky Laboratory and Bar & Grill. "Security guards don't follow me around in stores, dogs have stopped barking at me, and no one mistook me for Samuel L. Jackson all day," he adds about the benefits of no longer being racially profiled.
7
"For The Last Three Months It's Been, 'What's The Internet? Who's The Guy? What's Tilda Swinton?' And I Have Told You — Tubes, The President, And No One Knows"
Thus begins Titus teaching Kimmy that tubes make up the internet. (And the first of many Tilda Swinton jokes.)
8
"Foop! I'm Mixing Up My Struggles"
This moment from "Kimmy Rides a Bike!" may be the first time that Titus says his signature interjection of "Foop!"
9
"What White Nonsense Is This?"
Titus has spoken of white nonsense before, but it's in "Kimmy Rides a Bike!" that he gives these actions — like kissing a dog — a name.
10
"I'm Gonna Be Famous!"
Titus' private song about being famous and subsequent meltdown on Durnsville TV cannot be described in one single quote. He just wants to start over and be a baby, Carol! (Plus, that joke about being a baby ties back to 30 Rock.)
11
"Isn't That A Good Thing? I Mean, You Get Twice As Much Sword. Who Would Want A Single-Edged Sword?"
The man responsible for the Kimmy Schmidt theme song, Walter Bankston, tells Titus that fame is a "double-edged sword," but Titus clearly doesn't understand the warning.
12
"Au Revoir, Les Felicieuses"
Titus likes to put his own spin on the phrase "Bye, Felicia," like when he considers fleeing to Canada: "I hear Montreal has a vibrant theater scene, so au revoir, les Felicieuses."
13
"Fine, I Will Take A Silent Face Journey As I Scroll Through This Comments Section"
Face journeys, like talking, are banned from the library.
14
"Lillian, You Cannot Bring Gentlemen Callers In Four Hours Early. I Am Not Yet A Butterfly, I'm Just Cocoon Goo."
Titus needs time to emerge from his cocoon before his first date with Mikey.
15
"Just Diet And Exercise. You're Not Holding A Mannequin Hand"
Mikey thinks Titus' hand is so smooth because it really is a mannequin hand. But how else can Titus hold hands and eat a sandwich?
16
"Outside Bones, Outside Bones, Never Forget Your Teeth Are Outside Bones"
Titus panics during an audition and creates this beautifully bizarre song that highlights why he's not so into dental hygiene. The tooth fairy is a demon stealing baby teeth!
17
"What If A Sea Witch Says I Can Meet Prince Eric If I Give Her My Voice? I'd Do It, Right?"
Titus has some understandable concerns about living on a cruise ship.
18
"Oh No, He Killed You And Now You're A Ghost? I Don't Want To Make Sexy Pottery With You."
Sorry, Lillian — Titus will not be your Whoopi Goldberg (channeling Patrick Swayze) to your Demi Moore.
19
"I'm Not Overreacting. I'm Doing What Any Reasonable Person Would Do In This Situation — I'm Lemonading"
20
"After The Movie, He Suggested Walking, Which Would Be Exciting If I Were A Baby Or A Mermaid, But I Am Neither"
Walking is also not one of Titus' strong suits.
21
"If Only Those Rats Who Stole Three Of My Best Wigs Could See Us Now"
Titus was proud of himself and Kimmy for leading more grown-up lives.
22
"You Know How Al Gore Invented The Internet? Well, He Also Invented A Rhythm For It. It's A Powerful Rhythm. It's Called The Al-Gore-Rhythm"
Do any of us truly understand the algorithms that social media and streaming sites use to make suggestions for us? Well, Titus has figured out that it's really Vice President Al Gore behind Netflix.
23
"If Your Plan Was To Make Me Want To Be In This Play More Than Ever, It Didn't Backfire, It Frontwatered"
Without Titus, the world wouldn't have even know that it was in need of an antonym for "backfire."
There may be only six episodes left of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, but Titus is bound to make the most of them before saying his final, "au revoir, les Felicieuses."
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